Friday, July 30, 2010

30 Days of Truth (Day 3)

Something you have to forgive yourself for..

Ok..this one is going to be pretty personal and hard for me to talk about. But when I was about 15/16 I got pneumonia and bronchitis pretty bad. About a week or so after I had been on antibiotics and what-not, was Thanksgiving. So of course, I went to the big family gatherings that us Italian families are known for. Like every other year it was at my grandma and grandpa's house. My grandpa was world. I was very close to him (as most of me and my cousins were), he was one of the most amazing people in my life and in everyone's life he met. Everyone called him T.J. or Grampa T.J. One of my fondest memories of him was when I was little and used to go for a weekend at grandma and grandpa's house - my grandma and I would watch movies (usually The Sound of Music) and my grandpa would leave and ALWAYS come back with a big ol bucked of butter popcorn from the local movie theater!

Anyways..Shortly before that Thanksgiving, he was diagnosed with emphysema and lung cancer. Then after that thanksgiving he got pneumonia and went down hill from there. He later died.

I was convinced it was my fault, I had to be the one to give him pneumonia, it had to be me. Because of me, he was dead - gone. I had never cried so long or so hard in my life. At the funeral, I felt like I was dying, like I couldn't breathe. I still cry when I think about him and it's been several years - I'm getting teary eyed now so I'm going to end this.

I know that truly, I did not give him pneumonia, but at the time it just seemed like too big of a coincidence. My heart hurt, and I have to forgive myself and realize it was not my fault - he was sick. Plain and simple - he was sick.

R.I.P Grampa T.J. - I ♥ You.


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